Let me start by saying I literally thought losing weight would be the answer to ALL of my problems and I quickly learnt that it wasn’t. Let me tell you why…
My relationship with my body is extremely up and down – one day I look in the mirror and think “you’re okay” and the next I hate it more than anything in this world. I can’t recall the exact time this unhealthy relationship started but it feels like it has been forever because I actually can’t remember ever being completely comfortable.
We all know a huge part of the reason we suffer with such body/self-esteem issues is because we are fed so much shit on a daily basis about what we should look but WHY are we STILL eating that shit up like it’s our last plate of food, ever? We know that all of those “body goals” are unrealistic, we know about Photoshop, we know about Botox and filters and posing, yet, we still try. We should be wiser to it but when it is shoved down your throat all day, every day, I guess it can be difficult to not think it’s the norm.
So at the beginning of the year I was all like “Dear body, I hate you, so I am going to eat healthy and lose weight so that I can love you”.
I did it, I started an Instagram account and everything to document it and it went really well. I did feel better, I did feel a bit more confident, I did have more energy and it was a bit easier to find clothes that fitted well.
It was good. Great even.
BUT I didn’t feel the way I thought I would. I still didn’t love my body entirely, I wanted to push even harder, lose even more, and look even better. I still wasn’t as confident as I thought I would be and I still couldn’t say I was completely happy with myself.
Fast forward a few months and I decided to stop trying to get to a certain weight or fit into a particular size before I started loving myself and celebrating a healthy body that has taken me places because I wouldn’t be able to correct my mind just with weight loss. At first, I felt like a walking contradiction because I was so into health and fitness and then suddenly I was all about body positivity and self-love but it was because having experienced the weight loss I knew that it wasn’t going to change everything.
Whether I lose 15 or 40 kilos I may never love myself and while the weight loss will certainly help with other factors such as health, etc. my reasons for wanting to lose the weight were pretty much all related to confidence and self-esteem which doesn’t magically appear when losing weight.
Don’t get me wrong, health is very important and obviously weight plays a role in overall health so I don’t regret losing the weight and I am definitely not giving up on my journey but my reasons have changed and so have my goals.
The good feelings like happiness, peace, confidence, those all come from within, they really won’t come just because the scale says you are down 15 kilograms.
Trust me when I say doing it for the “shit you got hot” is a load of crap. Just because people will say it doesn’t mean you will believe it.
I had it in my mind that I couldn’t be happy with myself until I had lost weight but no matter how many compliments I got, how many pictures I took where I could see massive results and how much the number on the scale dropped, I still couldn’t say I was genuinely happy or that it made a huge impact on how I felt about my body, I still didn’t love it. But when I started appreciating it for what it is I started feeling a difference about how I felt about it and that says it all.
I will not wait to fit into something before I allow myself to be happy, I will not wait until I reach my goal weight to learn to love my body, and I will not allow anyone dictate my body goals to me.