Life

I’m scared to have kids okay?

I often wonder what my child will look like. I think about the moment you meet your newborn for the first time, it must be surreal and magical. I try and imagine how my life would change if and when I have a mini me, but I am sure that everything I have thought of isn’t even close to how much it would change and I know that I could never ever fully understand what it would be like until I give birth to life’s most precious gift. Which is why I am scared.

I am at the age now where I feel as though the decision needs to be made. Are we doing this or are we not? And this is not just because of the constant questions about it, the pressure from all angles or the hints that the potential grannies throw our way. I just know that I don’t have much longer to wait. I can’t keep putting the decision off. It doesn’t have to happen now, but I need to know soon-ish if it is ever going to happen.

I love children, they are cute, they teach you about yourself, they are a miracle, they add something to life that nothing else can. They give you a sense of purpose and that is scary because if I don’t have one will I regret it in 20 years’ time when I have reached the peak of my career, traveled, experienced everything I want to, and am at a point where a child is the only thing that I want. But it will be too late.

The truth is, I am petrified of having a child for SO many reasons. But I am even more petrified of not having a child and wishing I did.

I am undecided. I always thought I’d be a mother. I even have names. I have thought about schools. But now that it’s nearing crunch time, I just don’t know.

I worry that I won’t be a good mother because I am still quite selfish, I need my own time when I hit a wobbly with my mental health and I just don’t know if I can do it. I mean, how will I ever know if I don’t do it? And then it will be too late if I’m a bad mother.

I worry that I am not financially stable enough and will never be. My childhood was difficult. We struggled financially and even though I am already better off than my parents were I just don’t understand how everyone makes it work. I know I will have to sacrifice but when you don’t even make it to the end of the month pre baby, how will you do it post baby?

I worry about the future of the world and think that it might be selfish to bring a child into it. I am not judging anyone at all who is doing that. This is my personal worry.

I worry that I will suffer with Post Natal depression because I feel like I am a candidate. As you can tell I worry, I overthink, I struggle to cope in a situation that I have no control over. I get overwhelmed when everything isn’t in order. All of these things will happen when a child comes. How will I handle it? Will I somehow change as a person when they put that baby in my arms for the first time?

I worry about being so unsure at this point. Shouldn’t I know by now if I want this or not?

I worry, about everything.

This is one of the biggest decisions of my life and I am too scared to even discuss it with my husband because what happens when we make the final decision?

I am scared of having a child, I am scared of not having a child. I am scared I am running out of time to make the decision. I am worried I make the wrong one.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. How did you know when it was time? Or that it wasn’t something you want?

 

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About Kerry Heathfield-Sharper

I speak my truth. 🙌Body positivity ❤️Self love 👗Budget plus size fashion 🎬 Real life 💼 Fashion Merchandiser 9-5. Wannabe helper of women 2
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20 thoughts on “I’m scared to have kids okay?

  1. Oh, Kerry, I can relate to every single word you wrote! This was totally us for the past five years – biological clock ticking majorly for me and my husband a decision had to be made. It is indeed a very difficult decision to make for a couple for all the reasons you listed above. It doesn’t even really get much easier once you pull that trigger (for me in terms of anxiety and I am terrified of post-natal depression too) But you will know what to do when the time is right – sometimes it is good to know that no matter what you decide, you and your little family will be OK. For what it is worth: I think you will be an incredible mother – you have so much compassion and the biggest heart and that baby will be the luckiest child on earth to have you as a mama.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really has helped me to know that I am not alone in my fears.
      You are going to be a great mother and I am sure your journey into and through motherhood will help me if I choose to become a mother one day.
      I am going to try and stop putting so much pressure on myself to have all of the answers. Sometimes I over analyse and over think everything to the point of being even more undecided about something (if that makes any sense).
      Thanks for reading and for adding your thoughts.
      xxx

    1. You and so many others as well.
      I am a bit shocked to see how many of us feel this way. At least we know that we’re not alone.

  2. I was pretty sure I did not want children. I didn’t like them, I enjoyed my me-time, sleeping in and travelling, and could not for the life of me imagine putting my body through the indignity of pregnancy. My husband really wanted to be a dad and I knew he would be good at it. I wavered for about 4 years and then decided to have faith and go for it. I conceived almost immediately and proceeded to become the most paranoid stressed out pregnant woman ever. I worried day and night about everything you mentioned and about a million more things. All I can say is this: You are not alone there are two of you becoming (or not becoming) parents, talk to you husband about it. After all if you do decide to take on the challenge that is parenthood you will only have each other. And yes, absolutely everything changes. You will give up things you love, but you will get something different in return that is also wonderful. Parenting isn’t for everyone, but it can be the most rewarding thing you ever do.

    1. Chereé, you always leave the most wonderful comments for me. Your advice has helped calm me down so much.
      I am still no closer to deciding than I was when I wrote this BUT I feel a helluva lot better about being undecided than I did. To know that there are so many of us who at some point have felt the same helps me somehow.
      It is also so good to hear it from someone who has “been there, done that”.
      Thank you!

  3. Kerry, this was almost exactly me. Except, I didn’t want them until I did.
    I was worried about ALL the same things you are. The truth is, you’re NEVER going to be ready. You’re never going to be prepared enough and you will most likely experience all the mental health issues you normally have because becoming a mom doesn’t change that. What I can tell you though is that even though I nearly died doing this thing I thought I never wanted to do, I can’t imagine my life as “not a mom.” I am SO much of a mom that sometimes I need to remember to also think of me and what I want. I STILL suffer from depression. I STILL doubt myself and I am still constantly sure I’m doing this wrong but the truth is that there’s never a right time and you never really know but being a mom is the single most wonderful experience of my life. I’d trade all the travel and all the shopping and all the sleeping in for hearing that little voice call me mom. I am definitely only a one kid mom though. xoxo

    1. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this with me – you have given me a lot to think about.
      I feel like I will definitely be a one kind mom as well.
      Hearing you speak about your mental illness and how wonderful motherhood is in the same paragraph gives me hope that I would be able to do it even with my mental struggles.
      I have so much respect for you and think that you are a fabulous mom (from what I can see) so I have seriously taken everything you have said to heart.

  4. I can feel the internal struggle! I too never wanted kids. My biggest issue was that I thought I would not know how to love them. There was minimal social media 9yrs ago, so I didn’t even realise how hard #momlife was until it was too late.

    My husband though, loves kids…and always wanted to be a father. He would have given up that dream for me, but I am obviously the better spouse…and 3yrs in we went for it. Earning shitty money, living in his mom’s servant’s quarters….we went for it. I worried we had made the biggest mistake of our lives probably up until the day I gave birth. I remember at 38 weeks, us driving…me crying…asking: Why did we do this? Were we insane??? lol. Pretty much the same for my 2nd pregnancy as well.

    I said yesterday I was broody and my brother went: If you have another child, you’re fucken mad!

    He has a point…and also, that ship has sailed for us. My husband isn’t working…I worry we will lose our home soon….but we’ll make it, somehow…we have to…for them ! It’s FUCKEN hard, but best think you will ever do in your life <3

    1. Thank you Simone.
      I think about my childhood and how it all always worked out. It sure as hell wasn’t easy, but we made it to where we are now.
      I have a wonderful mother who went through her hardest times while having me to look after and protect and she did it which gives me hope.
      I know your situation is tough now but I truly believe things will get better.
      Thinking of you and the family and will keep you in my prayers as well xx

  5. This is such a deeply personal and beautiful post Kerry!
    I’m so proud of how brave you are – I feel all of these same things, and think about them constantly. Yet I’ve never been able to voice any of this to anyone, let alone put it out there fore EVERYONE to read!
    You’re a beautiful person, inside and out, so don’t worry – when the time comes to make the decision, I’m sure your heart will tell you exactly what to do xxx

    1. Thank you so much darling. This is SUCH a lovely comment.
      I am going to stop putting so much pressure on myself to make the decision. After receiving all of these wonderful comments I feel a lot better, nowhere closer to making the decision, but a lot better.
      I sometimes get scared to voice it, especially to my husband, because it just opens the can of worms, and I am not ready to deal with them.

  6. I’ve always wanted kids but having PCOS and knowing I might not be able to get pregnant I’ve been too scared to try knowing I might fail. With the current situation in my marriage I am secretly glad we never tried. I can’t imagine shared custody over 11 000km or living in a foreign country being a single mom with my support system an 11 hour flight away! So many things to always consider. Perhaps one day I will be able to adopt.

    1. Your struggle is a bit more complicated than mine but I hope that somehow it all becomes clear for you and if adoption is something you want to do I think that is amazing!
      I am always here for you. We can make sense of it all together xx

  7. The easy prep is providing the material needs, it is the the responses to the other, often unspoken needs, that we are never fully prepared for. The needs that actually require us to give of ourselves in a way that we can never ever imagine. It makes you vulnerable, it increases your worries tenfold yet it is the most fulfilling and terrifying experience. Being scared is part of the journey and the fear never goes away.

    1. I never even considered this if I am honest.
      You would think that hearing you say “scared is part of the journey and the fear never goes away” would make me want to decide “hell no” but it has given me something to think about. In a weird way just knowing that everyone feels the same has made me think about this decision completely differently.
      Everyone has said they were scared, and so many of you have done it and are here to tell the tale and share your wisdom with me, so why couldn’t I do it?

    1. I am so glad you could relate and I hope you have read some of the comments, they have helped me a lot.
      We will get through this scary stage of our lives together xx

  8. Well, this is totally ME going through this exact thing. The decision scares the bajeezers out of me… The pregnancy (what if I’m sick for 9 months), birth! (MAJOR surgery or MAJOR pain) and then motherhood. Forever.
    How do you make the decision? Especially when time is running out… You mentioned you’re closer to a decision now?
    I hope I get there!

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